Justin Phillips

I read an article on fan theories about old TV shows, where it’s blatantly obvious that it’s not true but it’s fun to think out of the box. One was that the Rugrats don’t exist, that they’re all figments of Angelica’s imagination because her parents dont pay any attention to her. Tommy was a stillborn, which is why Stu is always in the basement making toys. Chuckie was killed with is mother in the car crash, why his father is a wreck. Phil and Lil’s mom had an abortion before they knew the gender so Angelica imagines one of each. It’s a fucked up theory, but it’s fun to think of something in a fucked up way. Right? 

NO!

At least one of the commenters thought so

“That rugrats one is so stupid, have you ever heard of “all grown up”

As shitty as it is, it is all the babys on rugrats as teens/tweens. So that theory is wrong and so are many you posted”

REALLY?! Do you honestly think that these theories had traction? Oh yeah, in the pitch meeting for Rugrats it was all “Yeah, it’s a show about babies, but in reality they’re just a coping mechanism for a neglected daughter.”

This internet is quite silly. 

I got an email from yelp saying “You’ve got a new compliment!” and I felt a surge of pride. So, I log in and I get this…

“For your review of Hon Machi Sushi

You are a cock sucker and if you wanna joke about being adopted open a fucking book you fucking degenerate”

If you want to know the context, here’s my review of Hon Machi Sushi. 

“I was going to write a review about “hey, maybe if you don’t like waiting for cheap sushi, fuck off.”

I’ve changed my mind.

Put in the order for sushi and an egg roll at 6:50. Got the food at 7:30. 

It wouldn’t be such a big deal if you didn’t see people who came in after you get their shit. I’m an only child and this the one time I’ve felt like a foster child taken into a home that just wanted me for government money. 

Here’s the thing, I was all sorts of boozed up on the happy hour sake bomb at 7:30 when I asked for the check. Oop! Got a catch, I was soberly pissed off at 7:55 when I actually got the check. 

So, here’s the deal. If you’re in a time crunch, don’t ever go. 

If you like cheap drinks, check it out. Decent sushi, cool specials.

Staff doesn’t know how to handle more than 2 tables at one time.”

I’m not a complete shithead, I’ve reviewed places with positive reviews, I just made this one after being stuck there for so long. There were other variables, but I like expressing myself on this internet deal. First off, adoption? I talk about foster care which is an entirely different system of family services. Anyway, I thought I’d share my reply.

Dear Josh,

Thanks for the message!

I have opened a few books since your suggestion, however I have yet to understand what you mean. However, once again, thank you for taking the time to message me!

As we all know, this internet is quite serious business.

Most serious.

Sincerly,

Justin.

I have to say, the past weekend was a blast with comic con and I’ll make a post about that later.

However, I was dreading tonight because of an upstart that wanted to take the stage and be a dickhead for a half-hour. 

He didn’t show and I was glad. The only awkwardness was the general sort that floats about the Turf. However, I was glad to see some of the newer faces. As awkward and weird as the Turf gets, I still want to keep that stage open for people to get time. New or not, come and spew out whatever. I take as much enjoyment as a well crafted new joke as an awkward moment that falls flat on stage. 

Ah, comedy. 

Okay, maybe I can be a little more open. 

I’ve been making changes in my life and while they may not be huge, they’re towards an ultimate goal. I’ve been eating right, which has helped me feel a lot better. I’m still eating some processed crap, but here’s the kicker…

I don’t eat as much of it.

I weighed 221 about a few days ago, I’m down to 216. I’m shooting for 180, but if i get to a low enough weight and realize that going any further will harm my health or just be a general dump on life, I’ll back off. 

There’s a lot of things in my life that I wanted to blame on others, but I’m done with that. I was told once that hell is meeting the person you could have been. No one’s going to stop me from getting what I want out of life.

For now, it is sleep. 

I feel like being cryptic.

Tonight was a good night.

I worked some new material, not all of it hit, but I got one real good one out of it. I also changed up an old joke and made it fresh.

It’s good to have nights that you go home feeling good about yourself. Where you do a show, you know that you’re doing something right. 

I’m tired and I’m about to crash, but I’ll share this social gem…

Talking to a friend about a mutual friend’s divorce, how their life-goals didn’t match up in terms of children. We’re both outside near a bike rack where a strange, hippy-like woman is locking up her bike. My friend mentions how women tend to change up their stories when first getting into a relationship and to when the deal is sealed. They might want to wait a few years up front, but later switch it to a few months. This is where this hippy-lady decides to butt in(she has dreadlocks, gross NPR listening dreadlocks), not just butt in also hang up on the conversation she was having on her flip-phone to interject. 

She goes on about how women’s hormones are vastly different and that it’s blah blah blah, it’s very irritating. 

Now, it isn’t what she was saying that was irritating, it was how she said it. She spoke in a way that was both demeaning and phrased things to always make her seem the smarter one. 

Really? This is your night? Waiting to pounce on two guys having a conversation to smash in your opinions?

Way to keep that perpetually angry at the world hippy woman stereotype going.

Here’s the extra, she gets into a conversation about bikes with another friend at the end of the night and proceeds to cunt herself right into a bitchy corner that no one wants to fucking deal with.

Lesson of the evening:

If you’re not apart of the conversation, don’t jam yourself into it with a bitch agenda.

Goodnight.

Tonight at the Turf was as always interesting, but I got a guy that added a bit of intrigue to it all.

Shows up, asks who the comics are, I point them out and he buys them drinks. He offers me one, but I’m taking a Rick-Casablanca stance on drinks from strangers. I politely decline, but asks if he wants to do some time and he says he’s just there to support.

Okay.

Fine.

Show goes on, mixed with newbies and weirdies. It’s par for the course, but as we get towards the end of the show he comes over to my table and starts talking me up. He’s asking questions about time, when the show goes and if I wanted to start a tuesday show. I told him no, I’m just doing this monday thing and really that’s up to the Turf if they wanted to something. He then outs his plan, he wants to create a sort of base to launch himself.

Launch himself. From a bar.

Okay. That’s not the most outrageous thing I’ve heard being overly optimistic about their comedy career. He then tells me his other idea, to do 30 minutes next show.

No. That’s not what this show is about, it’s about giving a stage for anyone wanting to do comedy. Now that includes this guy, but 30 minutes? 

Dig deeper. 

He’s never performed before, only written.

Awesome. 

I wish I could have that optimism. 

He said he’ll be back next week. I highly doubt when I light him is when he’ll get off. He said he’ll bring people, but im sure they’ll be shitty.

So, there may or may not be the first person to be banned from the open-mic. I’m getting a shitty vibe.

Plus side, another new comic went up and she was awesome. 

So, my wedding is in just a few short months and before that, I need to have myself a bachelor party. 

Please. No strippers.

Far too expensive and futile. I don’t like being lied to and add into someone taking my money with no actual product to take away? No thanks.

“Imma be a Doctor”

However, I do make exceptions. If Natalie Portman fell on hard times, I would gladly let her strip for me. Until then, I’ll pretend to be Clive Owen in Closer. Midgets, oh yeah, midget strippers get a pass. 

Thinking about this, Natalie Portman would have to fall into some pretty hard times. She’d have to star in some pro-nazi snuff film and even then, I’m sure there’d be a company that’d still be willing for her to schill their crap.

“Hi, I’m disgraced film-star Natalie Portman. You may remember me from Black Swan or Mein Kampf Baby Massace…if you want to see more, go to godaddy.com” 

All that aside, the only thing I know for sure for my bachelor party is to get drunk. Very much so.

Today at work, I had a woman find an American flag that was out of the box and wanted to know the price. I found it and told her it was 20 bucks, which she thought was too high and tried to haggle down the price. 

“Too many stars, I don’t want to pay for all of those. I only need a few.”

I’m not a big patriot, but this was stirring up feelings in me. I felt like just yelling at her, “THESE COLORS DONT RUN” and pulling out an acoustic guitar. But really, can’t you just accept that maybe paying 20 bucks for a decent flag of your own country is worth it? Go and bitch about your jalapeno poppers at Red Robin, just ease up for America.